This is a blog post that went… somewhere, during a blog tour. But it’s really amusing and I think it deserves a more…directed audience. My choices below still stand.
Kill/Fuck/Marry, the Ardulum Edition
This feels a little incestuous, since these characters did come from my own head, but here we go.
Arik. I mean, I appreciate what he’s been through, but if Nicholas is our starry-eyed teen with a heart of gold and enough innocence to make you gag, then Arik is our starry-eyed teen who sharpens his innocence on his (very legitimate) pain and uses it for Ardulum’s version of a mass shooting. I’m still pretty screwed up over his redemption arc. There’s a reason he didn’t get a lot of page time in book three. Arik and I are not on speaking terms.
My weapon of choice for this encounter would be a few of those clay pots in the Talent Chamber filled with synthetic mucous, because they’re gross and I’m also secretly curious what would happen if I got covered in goop, too.
Neek/Atalant. My dating radar hones in on baggage like my toddler to a bag of M&Ms. Five minutes of Neek talking about her exile, or her settee, or her death (she did come back, after all) and we wouldn’t even need foreplay. Pay the bill, call the Uber, take me back to the Luciditybecause I am ready.One night stand or torrid six month affair, I don’t care. The second she brought a moving planet into the picture though, that’d spell commitment, and I’d be out of there.
Fun factoid about me: I use to work at Dairy Queen and would pick up women through the drive through window. So I see the Mary Sue fanfic between Neek and I where I’m the server at a Fast Print drive through at some spaceport, she pulls up in the Lucidity(sans Emn, clearly), and I work my short game. After our first encounter I force her to watch old Xena episodes, which she doesn’t get at all, but it’s a Mary Sue fanfic, so we have to really hit it out of the park.
Uh…so none of the main characters are particularly marriage material. If being forced to choose maybe…Yorden? But he’d have sexual expectations that I wouldn’t be able to meet. You know what? Screw it. I’d marry the damn planet. Ardulum is sentient, has decent longevity, and has a major ten year plan. It has good communication skills, likes long drives/flights through space, and I assume all those tree roots it controls would be of some use in the bedroom (or I’ve watched too much hentai anime).
If you’re rolling your eyes at the tentacle thing, I mean, my main character in these books secretes lubricant from her fingers, and ends up with another woman. While the implications of stuk fingers were not immediately apparent to me (and had to be pointed out by like, five different readers), it’s very clear where my subconscious mind lurks.